Bad Santa

Posted by – June 17, 2004

You are the ones who are the ball lickers!
(I just like that quote…)
Now, on to the business at hand.
Bad Santa (un rated) comes out on DVD Tuesday. Buy it, watch it, laugh your shit off, then watch it again. I saw the fucker in the theaters 3 times… it was seriously the best exercise I’d had in years. I laughed so hard–so hard–so very fucking hard–that my abs went from flab to 6-pack.
Have a 6-pack at the ready for the movie… you’ll need it. You just can’t watch Billy Bob act that drunk without wanting to join in the excitement.
Got beer??? Play the Bad Santa Drinking Game (devised by yours truely)… any time someone in the movie says “Santa” or “fuck”, take a drink. If you’re not wasted after the infamous Santa and Santa-fetish Bartender (Lauren “sweet ass” Graham) sex scene, you should probably start going to ‘the meetings’ (if that’s over your head… it’s the 4th link on my Links page). Here’s a joke for you (I made it up just now)…
Q: What does a Santa-fetish Bartender say while scrumping an alcoholic mall Santa in the front seat of a car?
A: “Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa! Fuck me, Santa!”
So… I didn’t really make that up… it’s in the movie.

But seriously… I laughed so hard I cried. My jaw hurt when the movie was over. Abs of steel. In fact… I don’t think I’d laughed that hard since I’d seen the “Who does Number 2 work for” scene in Austin Powers.
Don’t wanna take my word for it? Woody laughed so hard he puked (twice).

I’m sitting at my desk at work writing this… so for extra inspiration I pull up the trailer and watch it.
Now… I’ve done alotta odd stuff in my office… but this probably takes it. I just laughed myself to tears watching the trailer. The trailer isn’t even that funny (“The following PREVIEW has been approved for ALL AUDIENCES”)… but I was crying.

I might have to take the day off Tuesday to watch Bad Santa. Seriously. I can’t fucking wait. I’ll probably be at Wal-Mart at midnight waiting for the shit to hit the shelves (heh… elves).

I need to end this post.

Side note (is that word hyphenated?): I just read thru some of my older posts… it’s crazy how much of that shit I don’t remember writing!

Also: If anyone would like a journal/diary/webpage at last-link.com, let me know (I’m just that nice). It’s free. There’s no ads/banners/popups. You can have whatever name you want (like… www.last-link.com/~CooterScooter). Just e-mail me or leave a comment.

…i loved a woman that wasn’t clean…

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Testicle Difficulties

Posted by – June 14, 2004

Due to testicle difficulties, I haven’t been able to post to the site for a few weeks.
It seems I’ve scratched the itch… And I’m able to post again.
Let the moronic fun continue…
…new post tomorrow prolly…might fix the webcam too…

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Halucinations

Posted by – May 19, 2004

Okay… last night was fucking freaky.
I woke up about an hour after falling asleep to see a green sphere floating above my bed. When I sat up, the ‘thing’ floated fairly quickly toward my bedroom door, around the corner, and into my apartment somewhere. So, like I’m sure all of you would have done, I switched on a light and tried to determine if I was seeing shit.
After a few panicked minutes, I decided it WAS there…….. Because it cast a shadow on the wall (from the TV light).
A few more minutes of trembling pass.
I live by the 8th Rule of How to Survive a Horror Movie: “As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell”. So… I decide not to investigate the rest of the apartment to try to find the ‘thing’.
Other rules that came into play…
4. Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out (The power, ironically, did go off about a half hour after the ‘thing’).
28. Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.
46. DO NOT go into the dark room.

Describe the ‘thing’??? Okay…
It was a sphere with protrusions all around it. It was roughly the size of a bowling ball. It somewhat resembled one of those “UBO Light Bulbs“. It had a faint green glow. It cast a shadow on the wall. It made no noise. It was definitely evil.

Speaking of evil…
GO METS!!!
You see that shit??? The asian guy (Kazuo Matsui) broke his bat and was running to 1st with a jagged piece still in hand–he would have used it to stab a bitch (Pujols) if he had to. Then the Mets’ new left fielder (Cliff Floyd) lobbed one into the grass to drive home a run (This was AFTER he hit a 2 run homer in the 6th!).
I’m wearing my Mets hat today… eat it! Pond Scum Pride!!!

…quaint rural corn ceremonies are never really about corn

Dirty Quiz

Posted by – May 12, 2004

This should be interesting… Last-Link.com’s first ever DIRTY QUIZ!!!
Okay random Canadians and fellow Misery-ens… Here’s how it works.
There are 10 questions… to post your answers, click the “comments” link at the bottom of this post. Feel free to answer anonymously (especially if you’re dating someone and want to answer #10).
Easy enough?? We’ll soon find out!
1. What’s your favorite porn title (make one up if you have to)?
2. How old were you when you lost your virginity?
3 Male. Choose: Big tittiez, tiny ta-ta’s, or “proportionate”.
3 Female. Choose: Length, Width, or “size doesn’t matter”.
4. Which is better: 5 minutes or fore-play & 30 minutes of sex, or 30 minutes of fore-play & 5 minutes of sex?
5. Where’s the most bizarre/risky place you’ve scrumped (sex, idiot)?
6. Who’s the hottest actress/actor? Post a link to their picture.
7. Oil/Pudding/Jello wrestling… hot?
8 Female. Have you ever orgasmed?
8 Male. Do you care if she orgasms?
9. How many ‘partners’ (including hand-jobs, etc) have you been with?
10. Other then your boyfriend/girlfriend (if you have one… or a few), who is someone you know that you would like to ‘hook up with’ if you were single (this must be someone you know… no celebrities)?

That’s it! It’s not too dirty… and depending on the results, I might add more quizzes later.

…it’s fun…just do it…

Yeah.

Posted by – May 11, 2004

Oh dear… fuck off.
First off… Van Helsing, as I suspected, sucked. How did I know it would suck??? Well, they’ve been promoting the thing like MAD for a long time–that means they dropped an ass-lode of money on the project, then realized it was crap. Second… it opened on a random crappy weekend, and it’s only competition (I’m not sure ‘competition’ is a good word here) was the Olsen twin ‘movie’ [term used loosely–like their gaping vagina’s]. Third… it’s a fucking Frankenstein movie.
Long story short… They sank a hundred mill’ or so into a ‘B’ movie (the special effects were okay).
I had some other shit I was gonna post…
Maybe I’ll remember it tomor… OH!
I remember… It’s fucking SUMMER IN COMO!!! The only rule: If you’re in Columbia in the summer, you MUST have a cooler of beer in the trunk of your car at all times.
It’s the rule… don’t fuck it up.

…my foot belongs up in yo ass…

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Molvania

Posted by – April 7, 2004

Hey Baby. Wake up from your a sleep.
We have arrived onto the future and the whole world is become…
ELECTRONIC. SUPERSONIC.
Supersonic. Electronic.
Hey Baby. Ride with me away.
We doesn’t have much time.
My blue-jeans is tight, so onto my love-rocket climb.
Inside tank of fuel is not fuel, but love.
Above us, there is nothing above but the stars above.

All systems gone. Prepare for down count!
5 4 3 1! Offblast!

Fly away in my space rocket.
You no need put money in my pocket.
The door is closed I just lock it.
I put my go plug in your socket.
The sonic sky is bright like fire.
You and me gets higher and higher.
Hot communication wire.
Only thing can stop us is flat tire.

Hey love crusader, I want to be your Space Invader!
For you I would decend the deepest moon crater.
Eyes more stronger then Darth Vapor.
Obey me, I is your new dictator.

For you is Venus, I is Mars.
With you, I is more richer then all the Czars.
Make a wishes on a shooting stars.
Then, for you, I will play on my cosmic guitars!!

Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your belt-seats.
We has commenced our decent.
I trust you enjoy this flight as much as you enjoy this accent.

Now, back on earth, is time for down splash.
Into sea of eternal glory my spaceship crash.
People have arrived for to cheer me from near and far.
And as I float, I open door and shout…
I AM WORLD’S BIGGEST WASHED UP SUPERSTAR!

As for sure as the sun rises in the West
Of all the cities and all the ports on earth, I am the bestest.
Come, let me put ring of jupiter on your finger.
then like a smell around you, I will forever linger.

okay, is time for end.
No more will I sang.

Let me take you back in time
I want for you to experience big bang.

Long live space race
Long live Molvania!

WTF?

…visit molvania…

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Drunk elephants electrocuted

Posted by – January 21, 2004

In other news…

Guwahati, India – Four wild elephants who ran amok after getting drunk on rice beer were electrocuted in India’s northeastern state of Meghalaya when they brought down power lines, an official said on Tuesday.

The herd went on the rampage on Sunday night after storming into villages and drinking from open casks of beer in a remote area in Meghalaya’s West Garo Hills district.

“The elephants after getting high on rice beer, went berserk and started dashing against an electric pole,” the forest official told AFP.

“A live high tension wire fell on the herd leading to the deaths of four elephants instantly,” he said.

The casualties could have been higher but the herd of about 20 elephants moved away from the site sensing danger.

Wild elephants have been targeting areas in Meghalaya and the adjoining state of Assam where people brew large volumes of rice beer and have been causing large-scale devastation in remote areas in the two states.

“A depleting forest cover and encroachment of elephant corridors have forced the pachyderms to stray out of their habitats,” Assam forestry minister Pradyut Bordoloi said.

In the last two years, elephants have killed at least 180 people in Assam and Meghalaya. Angry villagers in turn have killed up to 200 of the animals.

The last elephant census in 1999 recorded 7 200 wild elephants in Assam and Meghalaya, more than half of India’s count of 10 000.

…this could easily be about baritones…

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Katie vs. Harry Caray

Posted by – January 13, 2004

An actual IM conversation… I was using a Harry Caray script from SNL…

LastLinkMU: HEEEEY! Let me ask, what’s your favorite planet?
katie: mercury
LastLinkMU: Mine’s the sun. Always has been. I like it because it’s like, the King of Planets!
katie: it’s not a planet, it’s a star
LastLinkMU: Well, planet or star, when that thing burns out, we’re all gonna be dead
katie: this is true
katie: it’s my favorite heavenly body
katie: (insert crude joke here)
LastLinkMU: I hope not. HEEEEY! have you ever seen an eclipse?
katie: yes
katie: there was one when i was i grade school
LastLinkMU: You know, if you stare at it head on, it’ll burn your eyes out
katie: yup
katie: we had to make these shade things
LastLinkMU: I once took a pair of binoculars and stared at the sun for over an hour
katie: no, no you didn’t
LastLinkMU: HEEEEY! Now, we all know that the moon is not made of green cheese…
LastLinkMU: But what if it were made of barbecue spare ribs. Would you eat it then?
katie: ribs are overrated
LastLinkMU: I know I would. Heck, I’d have seconds. Then polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser.
LastLinkMU: I would do it.
katie: you don’t eat meat
LastLinkMU: Would you?
katie: what’s your deal?
LastLinkMU: It’s a simple question… Would ya eat the moon if it were made of ribs?
katie: no
LastLinkMU: It’s not rocket science. Just say yes and we’ll move on.
katie: b/c it’s been stepped on, and who wants stepped-on ribs
LastLinkMU: HEEEEY! What about this Mad Cow Disease?
katie: i think you’ve contracted it
LastLinkMU: It was here for a while, then it went away. Now it’s back. Your thoughts?
katie: you’re insane
LastLinkMU: Good point…. Gee, I hope I never get it.
HEEEY! What about this? If you could choose between being the top law student at washu, or getting Mad Cow Disease, what would it be?
katie: ummmm, top law student
LastLinkMU: Oh good! I was worried you would choose Mad Cow!

…if i were a hotdog, i’d eat myself...

X-mas wish

Posted by – December 25, 2003

The combination of cheap beer (MGD), frozen pizza (Red Barron–the rising crust shit is overrated), and 12 hours of sleep (2AM to 2PM) has paid off! Next year, the FX network should run an all-day marathon of Married With Children on christmas… and call it “F X-Mas”.

…f the new year too…

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BBC News Article

Posted by – December 19, 2003

This is too good to pass up. It’s an article I just read on BBC News:

Latvian man survives deadly binge

The man says he is not sure how much he drank
A Latvian man has recovered after drinking enough alcohol to kill two normal people.
Tests showed that he had 7.22 parts per million of alcohol in his blood, while four parts per million would usually be fatal.

The man was taken to intensive care on Wednesday, but was well enough to talk to journalists on Thursday.

He said he had got drunk because his wife left him – and his wife left him because he drank too much.
The last thing I remember before passing out was a bottle of home-made alcohol

He did not remember how much drink he had on Wednesday night, when he was found at a bus stop in the capital Riga.

“The last thing I remember before passing out was a bottle of home-made alcohol I took from someone,” he told a Latvian newspaper.

He said he did not know whether he would behave differently in future.

Health official Martin Sics told reporters that there was no record of anybody having survived such a dose before.

I don’t think this is a good way to get into the record books

Latvian police spokeswoman, Ieva Zvidre
The Latvian press says a 30-year-old man found dead in February 2001 had 8.25 parts per million of alcohol in his blood.

Police spokeswoman Ieva Zvidre said an average person would vomit at a level of about 1.2, lose consciousness at 3.0 and stop breathing at around 4.0.

She told the BBC she did not know whether the man who survived 7.2 parts per million had set a world record.

But she added: “I don’t think this is a good way to get into the record books.”

…it was later found that the man was once a baritone player…

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